Seeking Support
About a year after I was in polygamy I wondered why I was still sad. I should be over it by now I thought. How long will it take before I feel normal again? I had many questions. I knew a couple of sisters who were in polygamy from my masjid that I could have discussed my situation with. But polygamy is a very peculiar situation (my anonymity is a testament to this). Because of the shame and embarrassment I felt, I was ashamed to ask for help. I also felt it might be a sign of weakness.
Some sisters may be less inhibited in consulting others for help. But for those who are uncomfortable with people knowing who you are, you might seek out alternative means of getting support. Anonymously calling students of knowledge or scholars is an option. Calling reputable leaders of other masjids is also an alternative. Most masjids have representatives who can give counseling for problems. Seeking out sisters of other communities who are also in polygamy can be extremely helpful. Who better to understand what you’re going through than someone who has had the same experience? Many sisters who have been in polygamy for a substantial period of time are eager to help others who are new into polygamy. Unlike curiosity seekers who simply want to pry into one’s personal affairs, sisters needing personal help with their new experiences in polygamy are welcomed. Helping others who are in the same situation as you actually works as a reverse form of therapy. By helping others you actually help yourself. Do be aware, though, that not everyone is the same. There may be some sisters who feel the discussion is just too personal and private. Do not give up, though, in seeking out the help you may need.
One sister that I did end up calling, I had known some years prior. She used to come to our masjid to give taleems for sisters. Just having her listen to me and my knowing that she was in the same situation was a comfort. She never really said much; she mostly just listened, which is probably what I really needed most. I do remember her saying one time, “ You know I’ve been thinking about death lately.” My understanding of what she meant was that death is the true reality, and that this world is fleeting. Those few words meant so much to me at that time.
Some sisters have found their husbands to be their most valuable support. A husband who is caring, understanding, patient, and Allah fearing can be the crutch that is needed down the bumpy and tumultuous road of polygamy—in spite of the obvious conflict of interest.
An idea that was once suggested to me was a polygamous women’s support group workshop. Because first wives and additional wives have problems that are unique or specific to their particular situation it was suggested that there be separate groups for each. There is information on the Internet and books in the library on support groups and how they are developed. In fact there are support groups for a host of problems such as drug abuse, rape survival, marital problems and child handicaps to name just a few. Any of these groups would probably be able to provide guidelines for developing a support group. I never did follow up on the support group idea. Probably the main reason is that I felt my situation was too personal. Maybe others feel the same as I do. Perhaps this is why for some reason I have found little Islamic information on the first wife’s perspective and experiences with polygamy in books or on the Internet. Maybe much of this type of information from an Islamic perspective is still in Arabic.
Sometimes support doesn’t have to be directly related to polygamy. To some degree all pain is pretty much universal. A hurt is a hurt. Grief is grief. There are others who are grieving for other reasons besides polygamy. Attending Islamic lectures and Friday sermons can provide examples of how the prophets and companions of The Prophet (saw) struggled. Topics such as patience during tests are subjects that are frequently voiced during taleems and kutbas. Reading books on the companions and life of The Prophet (saw) can provide spiritual inspiration, too. We should also read Quran daily, not only for inspiration but also in an attempt to implement its teachings into our lives.
The most important support of all that we have in this world is Allah our Protector and Provider. We should turn to Him often asking for help and forgiveness. We should ask Him to make His path easy for us and to give us strength to carry on. For without His help we will never be successful.
We should seek Allah’s help before the help of others. Confidants, support groups, friends and relatives are all blessings from Allah that we can use to assist us through our struggle, but our first recourse should be directed to Allah through dua and prayer. Allah has said that we should seek help through prayer and patience. May Allah bless us with patience to endure our trials in a way that would please Him.