Putting the Pieces Back
Together
I looked up “ease” in an English dictionary and the first definition said freedom from difficulty, the second said to make less troublesome. This second definition is what occurs after some time in polygamy. Your difficulty is lessened. The first wife who is in polygamy will eventually find periods of time where the anguish of polygamy is lessened. First moments, then hours, then whole days will be spent where the sister will feel that everything is under control. She may begin to feel that maybe she is learning to live with this trial. I intentionally said live because with me I never really got over the difficulties of living in polygamy, even after being in it for over 15 years. It is just something that I have learned to cope with. At one point in the beginning I thought I would never be happy again. For a long period of time I could not laugh out loud. I might smile at something but I could not laugh. Nothing seemed worth laughing about.
After I began having periods where I felt I was coping quite well with my problems, situations would occur where I would go into a tailspin and revert back into my earlier stages of depression. It could be something simple (relatively simple) such as seeing the two together. Or it could be something more serious such as finding out that the other wife is pregnant or that she has had a baby. Whatever this something may be, it can totally throw the first wife back into a state of melancholy. Some may call it post traumatic stress disorder (similar to what soldiers go through). It is certainly after a trauma and it definitively involves a lot of stress. By the mercy of Allah this occurs less frequently as time goes on and soon the periods of tranquility will increase and the periods of mental anguish will decrease, insa’Allah. All praise is due to Allah Most Merciful.
For the sister who has survived to the point where she feels in control of her emotions most of the time and her days of coping well out number her days of feeling almost hopeless, Mashaa Allah There is no Power or Might except with Him. It is very likely that you will personally notice some spiritual growth and an increase in patience.
Around this time some sisters who felt more comfortable in seclusion may begin venturing out again to sisters’ gatherings and social functions. I want to say that there is no set time for when a sister should begin feeling more social or better emotionally. Everyone is different. Attending outside activities can serve as a benefit but can also be frustrating. Participating in activities with sisters can help take your mind off your immediate problems to some degree. And getting involved in masjid activities can aid in helping you feel useful, which may help with low self-esteem.
On the other hand going out in public opens you up to encounters with the second wife, which may present emotional pressure. Also you may have to face curiosity seekers—a chapter alone could be written on these folks. These curiosity seekers may not have felt comfortable calling you on the phone to ask their personal questions—although some have no reservations at all. They may, however, have little problem questioning you in public. Thus the sister may wish to practice or have several lines she plans to use to address these questions. Some sisters don’t mind discussing their polygamous relationship. Others, however, are very sensitive to any discussion regarding it. One simple phrase that I have used is “That’s something personal that I don’t care to discuss. Most people will get the message, insha’Allah.
Regarding encounters with the other sister, think of it this way; she is like any other sister, some you are close to and some you are not. Islamically speaking we have an obligation as Muslims to at least give salaams to one another. And the one who gives it first is the better Muslim. According to another hadith the Prophet (saw) said:
“It is not allowable for a man to keep apart from his brother more than three days. The one turning away and the other turning away when they meet. The better of the two is the one who is the first to give a greeting. (Bukhari, Muslim)
May Allah The Most High give us the strength to please Him and forgive us our shortcomings.
Once a sister has the feeling that her life is somewhat getting back under control, a good idea is to look into developing old interests or hobbies. This can serve many valuable purposes. First it gives the sister something constructive to direct her energies into. Anger and jealousy can be quite draining on a person. Substituting positive activities for these negative feelings will help the sister feel better emotionally, insha'Allah. Also these activities can be indulged in whenever one feels angry or jealous. Having an alternative to channel one's anger and negative feelings into can help the healing process, insha’Allah.
After I’d been in polygamy for about a year, I began writing for a local Islamic magazine. This was a huge emotional uplift for me. In seeing my article actually printed in a “real” magazine for the first time gave me a thrill I hadn’t experienced in a long time.
Some people enjoy drawing or painting. Both of these are great stress reducers. Needlework, baking, sewing, embroidery are all areas that can be indulged in or developed. Volunteering in local Islamic schools, organizations and groups are also possibilities. Any of these activities can help rebuild low self-esteem and provide productive activities to involve one's self in. Participation doesn’t have to be in the community or masjid from which you may belong. You may prefer to involve yourself in an Islamic environment where others don’t know you or your situation.
Another way to try to get your life back on track is to refocus on your children. When I was growing up as a child I remember hearing many times people saying if it weren’t for their children they wouldn’t have been able to make it through their difficult times, of course by the mercy of Allah. During the initial stages of polygamy, I was not as attentive to my children as I wish I might have been due to my intense grief. After some time, though, in trying to compensate for my loss from polygamy, I began spending more time with my children. All of my children began sleeping in my room when my husband took his second wife. This simple act of their sleeping in my room eventually led to long conversations with my children during bedtime. Discussions of their day and personal concerns would be shared at this time. Stories of when I was a child or when I first became a Muslim also popped up over the years. All of these personal interactions helped to build and strengthen our relationship and at the same time distract me from my worries.
A very important piece of the puzzle in trying to put things back together is your health. During the initial stages of polygamy you may have been either eating very little or over-eating due to your personal problems. Initially I lost a lot of weight that was very visible and obvious. Now is a good time to reflect on your personal health. It is said that The Prophet (saw) has said that our bodies have a right over us. Take a good look at your daily meals. Are they balanced? Maybe you should start taking multivitamins or herbal remedies to build up nutrients you may have lost due to high stress. A well balanced diet is even more important when experiencing life’s stresses. An improvement in your diet may aid in you ability to cope better, too.
If you’ve lost too much weight and wish to regain (highly unlikely these days) try to eat more nutritious foods that are higher in calories. If you’ve gained too many pounds, try cutting out some of the extra sweets. I have found personally that processed white sugar and also caffeine can wreak havoc on my nerves. In this serious situation we are in, we need every millimeter of our nerves.
Exercising is an excellent activity to begin, also. Studies have shown that exercising increases endorphins, the natural chemicals that make you feel good. A search on the Internet or a visit to the library will probably have all you need on starting an exercise program. And don’t forget one of the simplest yet rewarding exercises of all—walking.
Of course eating properly and exercising may not only have a positive effect on your health, but it may also have an additional benefit. With a concerted effort and personal plan it may also improve your appearance. You don’t have to look like a model to be attractive. Small improvements are a beginning to making you feel and look good. And feeling good about yourself is very important in coping with your trial.
Another area you should direct interest towards is Islamic studies. The more you know about your religion the better equipped you will be to handle life’s crises. Polygamy is one problem in life that you are facing right now. If Allah blesses us to live long enough, we may see other tests in our lives--our loved ones may die, our health may decrease, and the list can go on and on, may Allah protect us from these trials. Allah says in Quran, “Don’t think you can say you believe and not be tested.” He also says “You have been created to see which of you are best in deeds.” It may be that Allah ta ala is preparing us for bigger tests—And Allah knows best.
Many of us have small Islamic libraries in our homes that we can benefit from. There are many sites on the internet that have lectures and printable material that we can use to help build our faith and emotional and spiritual strength, insha’Allah, during this enormously trying time. It is said that the prophet (saw) said the search of knowledge is an obligation laid on every Muslim. (Ibn Majah and Baihaqi) Taking Arabic lessons or purchasing self-teaching books on Arabic can help in personal development as well. And of course learning new suras is a most valuable pursuit. Let us not forget that reading the Quran can be a healer.
It is said that no one ever really recovers from grief; they just learn to survive it.