Pain & Growth
I often had a question during my earlier years in polygamy. How does polygamy benefit the first wife? I knew well the reasons mentioned in many books on how it benefited the second or other additional wives. I knew how it benefited men with “extra-ordinary” sexual drive. But for a healthy, childbearing wife who took care of her husband’s needs, provided him with everything that textbooks say that a man would want in a woman, how did this type of first wife benefit? I came to the conclusion that the first wife is actually sacrificing herself for the pleasure of Allah. Unlike the second wife who gains a husband to share her life with or a husband who gets an additional wife to add a little variety to his life, it seems to me the first wife doesn’t gain materially—she gains spiritually, and Allah knows best.
The blessing of polygamy is that through the trial, if a sister endures and is patient, she will mature as a Muslim and become stronger in her faith. A Muslim woman who endures polygamy will increase in faith, insha’Allah, simply by enduring the hardships of polygamy and trying to be patient and steadfast. Only by trusting in Allah's reward and fearing Allah’s punishment will she be able to be patient. She hopes for a reward with blessings she can’t imagine. Allah says we don’t know what pleasures He may have in store for us as a result of our good deeds.
A Muslim sister’s dependence on Allah also increases. The sister realizes or comes to know that her husband is just another creation of Allah without many of the lofty attributes many women associate with their husbands. Because they literally are with their husbands less often now, they are forced to become more dependent on Allah and then themselves. Their husband may not be around during times of emotional lows, personal crises or household problems such as stopped up toilets, sick children, needed items from the store and the like. No longer having her husband around for things that she used to depend on him for emphasizes to the sister how much she is dependant upon Allah.
The first wife in polygamy understands with certainty that only her Lord can give tranquility and calm. Only her Lord gives patience. Only her Lord can provide her with the strength to carry on in this difficult struggle. Only her Lord can reward her in a way that would be sufficient for all the difficulties she endures in this situation she finds herself in. We are here to be tested. Allah says in Quran, “We have not created the creation in vain.” “We created mankind to see which of you will obey Me most.”
Through polygamy, the first wife becomes more aware of her weaknesses. She is alerted as to what areas of her religion she needs to improve in. If she had difficulty controlling her anger, she will almost “certainly” become aware of this during her polygamous relationship. If she has a problem controlling her tongue, polygamy will make her aware of this, also. Thus, polygamy is a learning experience for the first wife. It offers an opportunity for her to see her shortcomings in her actions and faith and to work on improving those deficiencies.
In addition to learning of ones weaknesses, a sister is afforded an enormous blessing of having her sins washed away. It is said that The Prophet (saw) said, “Whatever a Muslim suffers in sadness, pain, even with the prick of a thorn, his sins are washed away.” The Muslim sister in polygamy suffers much pain and hurt on an on going basis, which presents ample opportunity for her sins to be forgiven. And who of us is not in need of having his sins washed away?
Another natural result of a sister struggling with polygamy is that she is forced to put life in its proper perspective as to what is important and what is not. The wife comes to recognize that attributes that bring status in this world are unimportant. When seeing worldly blessings that Allah has bestowed on the other wife, the first wife is forced to minimize the importance of these worldly blessings in order to cope with the natural jealousy that occurs in such a relationship. She is forced to realize that nothing lasts forever be it beauty, children, wealth etc. She knows that Allah bestows certain of His blessings among some and other blessings among others, and that nothing that man can do can prevent Allah’s blessing from being bestowed without His will and decree. Likewise she realizes that her own worldly blessings can be taken away at anytime, and consequently she realizes in respect to her trial that her worldly blessings are only a test to see if she will obey Allah.