The Depression
After the initial shock subsided somewhat, I went into a deep and long depression. I felt ashamed, embarrassed, and rejected. How could he have married someone else unless there was something wrong with me? I had low self-esteem. He does not love me anymore. She has taken my place. For the most part, Allah blessed me to stay in control of my emotions and maintain my dignity in front of others when I went out to masjid functions during the initial period. This was a very difficult period for me because almost every community activity that I attended the other sister was also there. Although I tried to conceal my feelings in public, at home is where I let most of my pain and hurt show.
Initially I did not completely comprehend how long and tiresome the journey in polygamy would be. Fortunately Allah blessed me to have spurts of energy filled with generosity and kindness towards the other sister in the beginning. I am not saying that there were not times that my feelings of anger and resentment did not come through. There were certainly times that I behaved in a way that I would not consider appropriate as a Muslim sister. But over all when I consider the intensity of the feelings that I felt at that time, and compare that with how I interacted with the sister, I conclude that my actions were generous indeed, by the mercy of Allah.
All of these undesirable feelings I had of loss of love, betrayal and humiliation are natural. But what is important is how we handle these extremely uncomfortable feelings. The best among us are those who are most obedient to Allah. Everything ultimately refers back to our religion. Although a sister may feel humiliated, embarrassed and ashamed, her dignity and honor is in obeying her Creator, Allah. It’s certainly hard at a difficult time such as this for a sister to focus on the true reality. In addition, Shaitan and the natural emotional nature of women work against reason. But the true reality is that everything we have in this world is a gift from Allah. We are to use these gifts in Allah’s service. If he chooses to take some or all of these gifts away from us we must remember that He is the Most Just, Most Merciful. According to a hadith The Prophet (saw) said:
“If any person suffers from a calamity and says, (Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji’un) To Allah we belong and to Allah we will all return, Oh Allah, reward me for this affliction and bless me with something better in return, then Allah in His Power and Glory will grant him this.
These du’as and sections from Quran that aid us in adversity are like prescriptions, insha’Allah, for the emotional sickness and turmoil we are experiencing.
Polygamy is a big jihad. It is a struggle that is ongoing and tedious. At times a sister may feel so discouraged that she feels she’d prefer not living. There is a hadith that The Prophet (saw) said that a Muslim should not wish for death, however, instead he should ask Allah “If it is best for me to live let me live, and if it is best for me to die let me die.” (Bukhari) We want our last deeds to be our best deeds. We also want to die when our faith is strongest and we have more good deeds than bad deeds. May Allah bless us to die in a state where He will be pleased with us and we will be pleased with Him.
We should try our best not to despair of Allah’s mercy. Often good comes from undesirable situations. And one of the hidden benefits or rewards of many trials is growing closer to Allah. In these materialistic societies in which many of us live, spiritual benefits are not considered of much value. However, when we think about our purpose in life, we realize it is an invaluable gift.
Along with the previously mentioned feelings and emotions that a first wife may have is the feeling of a loss of identity. Although we may be Muslims, there are other roles and labels that we identify ourselves with in our daily lives. Some of us are mothers, daughters, sisters, teachers, doctors and of course—wives. Adapting to the loss of one role and the gaining of another role can be difficult. Adjusting to such an undesirable role as sharing your husband can be tumultuous. A sister has to now share her husband with another woman. Her husband is away from her home every other night with someone else. Now she is no longer his only wife, but she must share this title with another woman.
In the earlier years of living in polygamy, I reminisced often about how much better and different things were in the past. Sometimes I still do. Problems I would experience from the polygamous situation were frequently attributed to the new sister. Any arguments with my husband, jeers and hurtful remarks regarding my being in polygamy from others, or feelings of inferiority were considered her fault. A first wife tends to feel and think that if the sister hadn’t married her husband she wouldn’t have to be going through all this. But we must remember that everything that was to happen to us was decreed before we were born. There is no doubt that people are responsible for their actions and do play a part in things that occur. But ultimately nothing happens without Allah’s permission.
The following dua has a lot of meaning when we try to put our life into its proper perspective.
Allah is sufficient for me and what an excellent guardian He is. (Bukhari)
This is such a wonderful dua, because no matter what happens to us in life, we know that Allah is in charge of our affairs. And He is the best to take care of our situation and problems for us. We just have to be patient and continue to ask for His help. This effort can be very hard, especially, during times when we are feeling distraught.
I had asked for a “divorce” several times from my husband. This was done during the earlier periods of my difficulty with polygamy. That is not to say I do not think about divorce even now. The pain, turmoil and unfathomable adjustment just seemed too difficult to bear. I can see the wisdom in divorce not being in the hands of the wife. I knew inside that I really didn’t want it. I just wanted my husband to feel my pain and anguish and I wanted the hurt to go away.
When thinking about the hardship of polygamy a sister must keep in mind that Allah Most High knows His creation better than the creation knows itself. He knows why He has made the lawful, permissible and the forbidden, impermissible—even if we do not. He knows the emotional disposition of the woman, for He created her. He could have made her character different if He had chosen to. Although it may be hard or almost impossible for a first wife to see the wisdom of polygamy for the first wife, she must suffice it to believe that Allah is sufficient to maintain her affairs. And she must put her trust in Him.
One of several recourses some sisters take in response to their pain is going into seclusion. This seems to be the road I have taken. I am not necessarily recommending this for anyone, but it is a choice. Even though I was somewhat shy in the past, polygamy presented so many emotional and social conflicts for me in public that being a hermit seemed a reasonable solution. I call it being a hermit. Some may see staying home a lot as a positive Islamic characteristic for Muslim women. Everyone is different, and everyone has different needs. People are inclined to various coping mechanisms, and everyone has a unique personality type.
I found myself growing less sociable as time went by. I would often sit by myself when in public reflecting on and contemplating my situation. I would sit staring straight ahead in thought. Once when I was sitting in a waiting room while visiting the doctor, someone made the comment to me, “You look like you just lost your husband”. Apparently the anguish in my face was so obvious. It is interesting how this person chose to describe my expression, because polygamy is a loss—a loss of so many things. It is a loss of social status, a loss of being the sole affection of your husband, a loss of normalcy in one’s life pattern and to some degree, yes, a loss of your husband himself.
My depression led to daily, and I mean daily, crying spells. I spent so much time in my room lying in bed that I still today regret that I was unable to give my children much of the attention they needed at that time. I can see how an extended family of grandparents and aunts would have been a great benefit to them in order to fill the void, and Allah knows best.