Controlling Anger
The strong man is not the good wrestler; the strong man is the one who controls himself when he is angry. (Bukhari & Muslim)
A man asked the Prophet to give him some advice and he said: Do not be angry. The man repeated the question several times and he (saw) replied, “Do not be angry.” (Bukhari)
At some point almost every first wife will feel deep-seated anger in her polygamous relationship. Often this anger is directed towards her husband. Sisters wonder “How could he do this to me if he loves me? He must know how I feel about this. He’s only concerned about himself and not my feelings.” Whatever the reason why a husband takes a second wife, be it philanthropic or self-desires the first wife will be highly inclined towards anger, simply because of the nature of a polygamous marriage. No matter how nice a second wife may be, no matter how fair a husband may behave, no matter what reason a husband gives for marrying a second wife, a wife does not want to share her husband with another woman.
It takes an enormous amount of determination and faith to control the outbursts that a situation such as polygamy can provoke. There is a hadith where The Prophet (saw) has said that the majority of people in the hellfire will be women. When asked why, he said because they are ungrateful to their husbands. And when he does something wrong, they say, you never do such and such. (Bukhari) Even though we may feel our husband has hurt us greatly we still have an obligation to Allah to give him his rights. Controlling one’s anger is an area in which a first wife must contend with on a regular basis, for the feelings of anger occur quite frequently in polygamy. According to one hadith, the Prophet (saw) told us to say the following when we are angry: “I seek refuge in Allah from Shaitan the accursed.” (Bukhari)
It was explained to me that not getting angry meant not acting on this anger for anger is a natural emotion that we all have at some time or another. Acting when we are angry is what leads to trouble. When angry we may say things and do things that we may regret later.
It is said that our Prophet (saw) has told us if we are standing when angry, sit down. If we are sitting when angry, lie down.(Bukhari) I’ve noticed that some times people naturally do this in an attempt to calm themselves down.
Thus the first step when the feeling of anger starts to creep up on you is to calm yourself down or at least not to do anything rash until you have calmed down. Later you might explain to your husband what exactly you are feeling. Explain that you feel angry, unloved, jealous, hurt. Most husbands, I would imagine, have some idea of the difficulty the wife is going through. They may be open to discussing the problems if they are expressed calmly. I have found that conversations between my husband and I have been most productive when I am not too emotional. Frequent and long drawn-out conversations have and still are quite common between my husband and me. The first wife in polygamy is in frequent need of much reassurance during the marriage.
Some sisters may feel more comfortable writing out their frustrations and feelings then giving the letter to their husbands. This act of writing actually relieves some of the anxiety and tension and also provides a means of conveying the sister’s thoughts to her husband without much conflict.
Some of these suggestions may sound a bit idealistic and unrealistic to one who is feeling such intense negative feelings of hurt and anger. However, idealism is something that we all can strive for. No one is perfect. We are all struggling and striving to please Allah in our endeavors. Whenever your behavior or deeds fall short of what you would prefer, pick yourself up and try again. Ask Allah the Oft-forgiving, Most Merciful to forgive you for your shortcomings. Ask Him to strengthen you in your patience and faith. Never give up! Remember this is a test. Sometimes you will do well other times you may do poorly. Learn from your mistakes and you will become a better Muslim, insha’Allah.
If you find that you may have transgressed against your husband or the other sister, remember to make dua for those you may have transgressed against. You may also choose to send a gift or food over to the sister’s home for the pleasure of Allah. Polygamy is a situation that allows a sister to truly put into practice loving a person only for the sake of Allah.
From what I have read regarding our actions, the more difficult an action is to do, the greater the reward. A first wife has many opportunities to get great rewards, because there will be many times she feels upset with her husband and the other sister. Since your husband has hurt you so greatly, you may want to hurt him. When you feel like this remember –if you can be patient you will have great rewards. These rewards will, insha’Allah, be greater than if you had done the good deeds because you wanted to please him out of love for him. When you love someone and you are pleased with him, it is easy to be kind to him. But when you feel betrayed and hurt by someone, you feel less inclined to please that person. Being obedient and pleasant during these times will earn a greater reward, insha’Allah.