Effect on Children
I have heard it said that children are the innocent victims of divorce. They can be the innocent victims of polygamy as well. No matter how much a mother may love her children, if she is in bereavement she cannot optimally tend to the emotional and psychological needs of her children. Even physical needs may suffer to some degree. A mother who is highly stressed from grief and whose self esteem has been shattered may not be up to cooking full course meals, dressing her kids in crisply ironed clothes or giving them the personal attention they need from her.
During the earlier period of polygamy, I spent a major part of the day lying in bed due to depression. I neglected the housework and virtually lived in my bed. In many ways the children were motherless. They were left pretty much to fend for themselves throughout the house. The close personal contact and interaction that kids need was just not there. It is not that I did not love my children. It is just that I was so preoccupied with my personal pain. Infants need coddling. Toddlers need to be read to. Older children need attention, as well. There is no doubt that isolation and an environment that lacks stimulation retards a child’s motor, intellectual and social development. Children need attention and interaction.
I personally know of a sister who had several children of whom a couple were either an infant at the time of their mother entering polygamy or either born not long after the mother entered into polygamy. One of the two children was later found to have Hyper-active Attention Deficit Disorder with signs of an emotional disturbance and behavioral disorders. The other was discovered to be mentally handicapped. The mother expressed that she believed her children were suffering from these problems due to depression she experienced as a result of polygamy. And Allah is the All Knower.
Children can sense the tension in their mother at a very young age. Not only do they sense a disturbance in their mother, but from what I’ve read, mother’s breast milk can be affected, too, which can also indirectly affect the child.
Another problem that occurs when a mother is severely depressed is that her methods of discipline may be too harsh, too lenient and/or inconsistent. Children need structure, consistency and limits. They feel uncomfortable with too much freedom. A grieving mother who is depressed may not be suitably aware of her children’s misbehavior and thus miss disciplining them at all. Or she may be too reactive and correct too harshly. Depression is a real ailment that has a debilitating effect on the person who is suffering from it. I do not think this is the time or place for me to discuss medical recommendations for its control. My intent is to let first wives who may be experiencing some of the same symptoms that I mentioned above be aware of its effects on their children. I personally never received medical help for my depression. I am not even certain that I actually knew I was suffering from it at the time. Whether or not one should seek professional help is a personal issue. However, one suggestion to help the children would be to use their extended family members to help give the children the time and attention they need.
Although I was greatly affected by my depression, I can recall reluctantly going to community functions during Ramadan, Eid and other special occasions. I knew how important these events were to my children so I attended for their sake alone So I guess a mother still tries her best to do what she can for her children even though she may be suffering emotionally and mentally.
Polygamy often leads to many verbal disagreements between mother and father in the home. And although children may appear unaware of the happenings in the home, they are very much aware of the heightened tensions between Mommy and Daddy. When children constantly hear their parents argue, their self-esteem can be affected. The pillars to his family are the mother and father. As much as possible all differences should be handled behind closed doors and preferably out of ear shy of the children.
Although children can suffer from the negative interactions that result from problems in polygamy, they can also benefit by the positive ones. Seeing Mom and Dad continually trying to persevere in maintaining the marital relationship, in spite of their enormous difficulties, is a valuable experience for the children. By seeing their parents remain married even though they have problems, children observe a living example of how to handle crises in a marriage, insha’Allah. They can see that even though marriages may have periods of hardhship, the two spouses can still persevere to maintain the relationship. Certainly there will be times when one or both parents may not be able to handle themselves in the best Islamic manner. But none of us is perfect. We must remember to ask Allah to forgive us when we fall short of pleasing Him, and never give up trying to do better. One hadith in (Muslim) says:
“If you did not commit sins and turn to Allah, seeking His forgiveness, He would have replaced you with another people who would ask Allah’s forgiveness and He would forgive them.”
Because of the enormous difficulty involved with living in a polygamous marriage, one is forced to resort to growing closer to Allah by doing good deeds to gain the strength to continue in such an emotionally draining relationship. Consequently, the children may see the parents pleading at night during tahajjud, reading and listening to Quran more frequently, and a host of other things to get help from their Lord. Certainly many of the parents' strivings may not be apparent—such as dhikering silently, making dua to oneself silently, asking Allah for forgiveness and what have you. Nevertheless the parent gains a reservoir of coping mechanisms from their experience to help their children with their own personal problems, which are inevitable as they grow and mature.
I need not mention the enormous literature written on the negative effects that divorce has on children. The libraries and bookstores are full of them. Many couples in polygamy have stayed together for the sake of their children. By the mercy of Allah, the future of Islam is in our children. How can we expect strong Muslim leaders to develop from broken homes? The family is the basis of society. It is not an easy decision to make, but struggling to hold the family together for the sake of children for the pleasure of Allah is a noble endeavor and great accomplishment.
Some wives may feel that they are stuck in polygamy because of their children and look at that negatively, but sometimes having limitations can be a benefit. It forces you to be patient and persistent in what ever your situation is. Those who have many options often opt out of difficult situations and may end up in situations that are worse than the one they opted out of. In addition, one doesn’t get a chance to learn how to work through problems.