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From: Just bearly holding on
Date: 02 Jul 2010
Time: 09:27:27 -0600
Remote Name: 158.93.191.186
Sisters ASA. I am in the position that I have only had five days of handling this idea (if you can say I am handling it). My husband of over eleven years chose to send me a text message while I was camping with our daughter telling me he really wanted a son and thought that maybe a second wife would be the answer. I came home that day thinking our issue to overcome was having a child because I am fort-six yrs old only to find out he had been in what he describes as a friendly relationship with another sister who is forty-five yrs old for over a year and wanted to marry her. I was and am devastated. This means it is not even about having a son. I feel hurt, betrayed, fearful of my and my daughter future so much more than I can convey. Over the past five days I have lost nine lbs. I have not been able to eat more than a few potato chips which made my almost throw up since we had our conversation. I have not slept more than a combined five or six hours in the past five days either. When sleep falls on me briefly I have nightmares and visions of his sharing loving moments from our past with another woman. I relieved our wedding night last night only in my dream I was replaced by her. I remember jumping out of the bed feeling as though I was drowning and something was clinging to my hair and face. It turned out to be me pulling my own hair and holding my face to keep from screaming. I do not know how much I can take but each day I marvel at how I have lived another day with my heart broken so deeply. After I jumped up last night I found myself making wudu without realizing it at three in the morning. I was walking in a daze and made my way to the living room and found myself in prayer on two pillows on the floor. I felt like I could die right there. I do not know how long I remained on that floor. I cried, I prayed, I pleaded with Allah, begged him to help me, relieve me of this pain and even once asked him would it be better for me to just die. I begged Allah to help my husband to see that I need his help in coping with this because I have no one else I can turn to except Allah. When I tried to get up my feet and legs were numb and I could barely walk without tripping. I have thanked Allah so many times over the years for giving me a husband that I thought loved me. I do not think my husband even knows this. Even when things were not perfect, I thanked Him because I always felt it would get better between us. I always felt that Allah had guided me to someone who would care for me, take care of me and love me, allow me to love and take care of him and we would be a team which was inseparable. Now I feel that Allah has taken that away from me and I do my best not to feel that Islam has broken my heart. I know that Allah gives and takes at His pleasure but part of me wishes He would have more mercy on me. It feels like my whole life as I have known is changed and I do not think they have even gotten married yet. Thoughts of them bring a whole different pain because I feel they both have sat, talked and planned this hurt for me and I have been blindsided, humiliated, cast aside and my future has been put in danger. How can I know or hope to feel good ever from now on. I want to run far away. I want to divorce him and pretend that I never loved him but I also want to do what Allah (saw) would have me do and I want the best life possible for my seven yr old daughter. I daydream of divorcing him in my head to make myself feel. Maybe there will be an end to the pain if I do but so far I cannot bring myself to say it because I love him and our family and I love Allah and want to please Him. All I can say is please pray for me, pray I live another day and that I can still thank Allah. I do not know what else to do. Me